How to Be a Pirate Page 5

  Hiccup could not have agreed with him more, but all he said was, "You're going to be all right. YOU'VE got wings. Any Skullions attack you, and you just just fly away."

  "Yes, but T-t-t-toothless don't like the sight of

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  b-b-blood...," whined Toothless. "You get torn to pieces and Toothless feel s-s-sick...."

  "We all have our problems," snapped Hiccup crossly.

  Fishlegs was already at the Harbor, looking furious. His dragon, Horrorcow, sat at his feet, chewing quietly.

  All the other boys were milling about, their dragons fighting each other or flapping over their heads. Everybody was thoroughly overexcited despite the very real prospect of being eaten alive.

  [Image: Dragon armor.]

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  "Who do you reckon would win if a Skullion was to fight a Bloody Crocoraptor in one-to-one combat?" chatted Wartihog.

  "Oh, the Skullion would win EVERY TIME," replied Clueless. "No question. My father says the Skullion is one of the most vicious creatures on the planet. It'd just whip out that famous extra-long claw and swipe ... it'd be Goodnight Crocoraptor...."

  [Image: Dragon glove.]

  "Ah," said Wartihog craftily, "but what if the Skullion had one paw tied behind its back, who would win then?"

  "Idiots," fumed Fishlegs. "Idiots!! I'm surrounded by people with seaweed for brains."

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  Other than the boys, there were about fifty adult pirates in the Skullion landing party, all of Stoick's biggest and finest Warriors. Alvin was cracking jokes, giving out hearty handshakes and patting everybody on the back.

  Stoick the Vast was delighted to be setting off on a military operation and marched about yelling orders.

  "RIGHT, everybody. Once we've landed we split up into groups of two. We fan out across the island, and we get our dragons to sniff for the treasure. Notice you have all been supplied with a whistle -- Gobber, could you demonstrate?"

  Gobber blew a sharp blast on the whistle.

  "P-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-ep!"

  "Once you hear that noise you will realize that somebody has found the treasure. Make your way towards the sound as quickly as possible so we can all help to carry it back to the ship. REMEMBER, the dragons will be sleeping during the day and it does not matter how much noise you make because the Skullion is stone-deaf. However, do try not to

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  step on one and don't forget that their sense of smell is very acute indeed. So once you land on the island, THERE WILL BE ABSOLUTELY NO FARTING WHATSOEVER. Is that understood?"

  The Warriors nodded solemnly.

  "Righto, then," said Stoick. "Death or Glory."

  [Image: A man.]

  "DEATH OR GLORY!" yelled everybody.

  And the Grimbeard's Treasure-Seeking Skullion Landing Party climbed aboard the good ship Lucky Thirteen to set sail for the Isle of the Skullions.

  Dogsbreath the Duhbrain "accidentally" bumped into Hiccup as they climbed in and knocked him on to the floor of the boat, where Snotlout trod on him.

  "Clumsy me," grinned Snotlout, swinging the Flashcut in a nonchalant fashion. "Good luck, Useless."

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  Lucky Thirteen set off slowly from the harbor through an ominous thick fog hanging heavily over the whole of the Inner Isles. It was difficult to see more than six feet ahead.

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  After three or four hours they caught sight of the Isle of the Skullions looming spookily through the mist. And Hiccup's immediate thoughts were, in no particular order, "Let's go home! Turn around! ABANDON SHIP!"

  "Don't sweat," he told himself. "Skullions can smell sweat." But he could feel himself getting hotter and hotter with seasickness and fright as the island drew closer and closer....

  In fact, even the bravest and most chatty of the Hooligans fell silent as they sailed deeper and deeper into waters their Tribe had been forbidden to enter for hundreds and hundreds of years.

  For the Isle of the Skullions was a very sinister place.

  The black cliffs in their odd pillar-like formations and the bloody bright-red earth seemed to whisper the word, "Death."

  All around there were crazy towers of limpet shells stacked up in piles perilously high, like so many fantastic sculptures. Being unable to fly or swim, the Skullions were imprisoned on the island. They had long ago finished off any small mammals, reptiles or birds that had once lived there. For years they had had

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  to exist on shellfish, the limpet in particular because it was so plentiful.

  There was no sign of life anywhere. No rabbits, mice or other scuttly creatures running around the hillsides. No birds calling from the cliff tops. Nor were there any signs of the Skullions, either. There were, however, worryingly enormous holes dotted all over the landscape.

  [Image: In the middle of the sea.]

  "Those must be their burrows," thought Hiccup.

  They were larger than any burrows Hiccup had ever seen before. Some of the holes were as big as the front door of the Great Hall.

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  "They must be somewhere down there," thought Hiccup, swallowing hard.

  Because there were no animals or birds, and no winds on such a calm day, there was an eerie silence.

  Except, that is, for one terrifying sound.

  Imagine the set-your-teeth-on-edge screech of chalk scratching on a blackboard multiplied hundreds of times over. It was the sort of noise you might get if you were sharpening a thousand knives on a thousand stones, but it was far more excruciating than that. It sent all of Hiccup's nerve endings wincing and jangling, even as he realized what the horrible rhythmic scritch-scratch was.

  It was the sound of the Skullions sharpening that extra-long claw of theirs on a rock deep within their burrows. This was a practice Hiccup knew about, but had never actually heard in real life before, called "sleep- sharpening."

  Hiccup took a deep breath. "Well, at least we know they're asleep," he thought.

  The Hooligans had to row three-quarters of the way around the island before they found a place where the boats could land safely. It was a wide-open bay, again with that strange blood-red sand.

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  Alvin stood up to make a speech.

  Every dragon on the boat hissed and growled warningly as he spoke.

  "I wanted to wish everybody the best of Viking luck," he said, smiling smoothly and easily. "To my great, great sadness, I will not be able to join you on this part of the Quest. Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to risk my life in this glorious enterprise. But even though I have washed thoroughly I am afraid my smell is so strong to dragons that it might put the whole operation in jeopardy. I shall just stay here and look after the boats."

  "And it was all h-h-his idea in tie first place!" said Toothless, outraged, in Hiccup's ear. "S-see what Toothless means? An Outcast AND a c-c-coward....?"

  Stoick patted his friend sympathetically on the back. "Very noble of you, Alvin," he whispered loudly. (It was difficult not to whisper even though the creatures had no ears to hear with.) "I'm sorry you lave to miss out on the fun. Okay, men, find yourself a partner, fan out across the island and if nobody finds anything at all, we'll meet back here in an hour."

  Fireworm was in a frenzy of excitement as soon as they landed. She had clearly scented

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  something already, and was dying to follow it up, her tail thrashing, whimpering and dribbling with her eagerness to be off.

  "Now, no following US," grinned Snotlout, aiming a kick at Hiccup as he and Dogsbreath hurried after her.

  Hiccup and Fishlegs stood looking at Toothless, but Toothless was showing no such joy at the task ahead. He sat calmly on the sand licking his tail in a thoughtful fashion. Fishlegs's dragon, Horrorcow, had already fallen asleep under a bench on the boat, so SHE was going to be no help.

  "Can you sniff anything?" whispered Hiccup hopefully.

  Toothless sniffed.

  "POOH," he said in
disgust. "Lergified limpets and s-s-sunbaked Skullion....Y-Y-Y-Y-YUCKY. L-l-l-l-let's get out of here."

  "No, no, no ," whispered Hiccup. "Treasure. Gold. Jewels. That sort of thing."

  And he added craftily, "I'm sure a TOOTH-LESS DAYDREAM like yourself can sniff far better than a mere Monstrous Nightmare."

  Toothless swelled with indignation as he

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  remembered the nerve of that Fireworm creature. He sniffed some more.

  "Toothless HAS got a slight c-c-c-cold,'' he said with dignity, "but that doesn't b-b-bother us aristocrats. There M-M-MIGHT be something coming from over there."

  And he waved a claw vaguely towards the left.

  So Hiccup drew his too-big sword, and they set off, keeping a sharp eye out for any Skullions that might be awake.

  They waded through waist-high ferns and endless heather, much as they might have done on Berk. At one point they passed a GIGANTIC footprint in the mud. Hiccup knelt down to examine it.

  "Woden preserve us," he murmured. "This means the Skullion is about TWICE as big as we previously thought."

  "No question that it'd beat the Bloody Crocoraptor in one-to-one combat, then," said Fishlegs, unable to stop himself from laughing hysterically. "Oh, this is great, on top of everything else, I'm going

  CRAZY."

  Hiccup was feeling nervous about so many things it was difficult to concentrate on which worry

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  to worry about most. He HAD to find the treasure. It was bad enough being the worst swordfighting trainee EVER, but if he didn't find this treasure that the Heir was supposed to find, then his father was going to be really disappointed. Hiccup hated disappointing his father, even though he had lots of practice at it.

  And what if SNOTLOUT found the Treasure? Hiccup went cold and clammy at the thought.

  He looked doubtfully at Toothless, who was hitching a ride perched on Fishlegs's shovel. He had shown no promise whatsoever when they had been practicing on Berk.

  [Image: Men and a dragon.]

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  But Toothless had triumphed in a crisis before. When Hiccup was swallowed by a Seadragonus Giganticus Maximus, Toothless had flown up the Monster's nostril, causing him to sneeze, and saving Hiccup's life. So he DID have hidden and surprising depths.

  Maybe he was a hidden Sniffer as well as a hidden Hero. Maybe he really HAD caught a whiff of something.... Maybe ...

  Toothless thoughtfully picked his nose, examined the booger on the end of one talon, and swallowed it. He suddenly flapped off the spade and started leading the little procession in a worryingly aimless fashion. At one point he led them in a pointless circle. At another Hiccup stopped him in the nick of time before he woke up all the Skullions by doing a poo. Finally he settled on a small grassy patch at the top of a little hill. He sat down and scratched his ear.

  "C-c-could be here," he said absentmindedly.

  Hiccup's heart beat a little quicker.

  "Here?" he asked. Toothless nodded in an offhand way. The boys took out their shovels and, forgetting about the Skullions in their excitement, started to dig.

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  After about ten minutes of shoveling, they hit on an underground cache of limpet shells.

  "Frittering Freya," said Fishlegs. "These Skullions eat a LOT of limpets. I bet this whole HILL is made out of limpets. I bet this whole ISLAND is made out of limpets. ..."

  Hiccup's shovel hit on something hard and large and heavy just below the surface. Hiccup held his breath. He prodded again. Yes, it was definitely hard and heavy.

  "I think I've got something here," he whispered.

  Toothless leapt up and down in excitement.

  "T-T-TREASURE! T-T-TREASURE!" he chanted. "You going; to be a Hero! And T-t-toothless tie Hero's Dragon! You going to be ..."

  Hiccup reached down, caught an edge of the hard object and, struggling with both hands, p-u-1-l-e-d out of the earth ...

  The most gigantic limpet shell anyone had ever seen.

  At exactly the same moment as Hiccup sat down suddenly, gazing at the limpet, there was the faint, clear sound of a whistle being blown not far away.

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  "P-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-ep!"

  "Useless," said Hiccup, staring at the limpet. "I really am USELESS. This is the second time the Gods have sent me a sign. The first time they sent me a minuscule dragon three times smaller than anyone else's. ..."

  "Thank you," said Toothless, staring down into the hole. "D-d-d-don't understand it. Really DID smell m-m-m-metal...."

  "... THIS time they send me a gigantic limpet."

  "It's the most enormous limpet I've ever seen," said Fishlegs in awe. "I think you may have discovered a whole new species."

  "Oh brilliant," said Hiccup sarcastically, "that'll impress the Tribe. They're all such NATURE LOYERS."

  He was feeling very black.

  "A limpet," said Hiccup, "HOWEVER big it is, is only ever a limpet. It's not TREASURE, is it? I never heard of a saga where the Hero discovers a new type of mollusk. ..."

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  "Meanwhile," Hiccup continued, "I hear that the REAL Heir to the Hairy Hooligan Tribe has found the treasure. PLEASE don't let it be Snotlout.'

  Hiccup repeated this to himself over and over again as they trudged towards the continuous noise of the whistle.

  [Image: Men and a dragon.]

  "Please don't let it be Snotlout, PLEASE don't let it be Snotlout, please, please, PLEASE don't let it be Snotlout...."

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  11. THE TREASURE OF GRIMBEARD THE GHASTLY

  Of course it was Snotlout who had found the treasure.

  There he stood, chest stuck out, nostrils flaring, a big fat smile on his smug face. Fireworm, his dragon, had blown up to nearly twice her size with pride.

  He was surrounded by a crowd of Vikings, who were giving him the Hooligan Hoorah: "SNOT-LOUT SNOT-LOUT SNOT-LOUT, UGH UGH UGH."

  Snotlout grinned even more widely when he saw Hiccup trudging up, trying to look inconspicuous (difficult when you are attended by a friend carrying a gigantic limpet).

  "Look what I've found, Hiccup," drawled Snotlout.

  Snotlout had found a large wooden chest, very battered and scuffed and thoroughly gnawed by Skullions. It had the words " PROPERTY OF GRIMBEARD THE GHASTLY DO NOT OPEN" written on it in large golden letters.

  Hiccup sighed. No chance of it NOT being the treasure, then.

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  "Righto then," said Stoick, rubbing his hands together in a businesslike fashion. "Let's open it."

  Hiccup forgot about shutting up and keeping a low profile.

  "Father," he whispered urgently, "we can't open it here. Look, it says 'DO NOT OPEN' on the front. Remember what happened last time?"

  "NONSENSE," bellowed Stoick, who had never been more disappointed by his son. Why hadn't HE found the treasure? WHAT was his odd-looking friend doing carrying that ridiculously large shell?

  Now Baggybum was going to start suggesting that Snotlout was the rightful Heir to the Tribe, and then Stoick would have to shut him up by fighting him, and it was all Hiccup's fault.

  "Of course we open it NOW. What's the point of looking for treasure if you can't open the box when you find it?"

  "Please," pleaded Hiccup, "you don't think a cunning old pirate like Grimbeard the Ghastly is going to leave a box lying around without there being some sort of trick to it? It'll be BOOBY-TRAPPED. Look what happened when Alvin opened the coffin in the first place -- it chopped off his hand -- and then

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  when we opened it later everybody nearly died of fright...."

  Stoick finally lost his temper with his son.

  "WHO is in charge here, anyway?" he roared. "I am the Chief of the Hairy Hooligans, not you, you small boy."

  Hiccup flinched.

  "Those were coincidences, not BOOBY TRAPS.

  [Image: A man and a dragon.]

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  And I am not going to lug a great heavy box like thi
s one all the way home only to find it's full of stones."

  Stoick's eyes were already bright with a strange greedy light that Hiccup had never seen before.

  "Good point, Chief," said Gobber the Belch. "May I?" Gobber swung his axe way over his head and brought it down on the chains wrapped around the box, snapping them in two.

  "Snotlout should open it, as HE found it," said Baggybum the Beerbelly.

  Stoick sighed. "Okay then," he said.

  Snotlout proudly stepped forward. This was his big moment.

  He shot a nasty look at Hiccup.

  "Not a good idea, NOT a good idea, NOT A GOOD IDEA," said Hiccup and Fishlegs to themselves as Snotlout reached out tattooed muscly arms towards the box....

  HOT A G-G-GOOD IDEA," said Toothless, closing his eyes as Snotlout slowly lifted up the lid....

  c r-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-a-k....

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  [Image: The door.]

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  12. ESCAPE FROM THE ISLE OF THE SKULLIONS

  The chest was not full of stones.

  It was full to the brim with a gorgeous treasure. Strings of jewels, golden cups, objects more dazzlingly bright than anything the Hooligans had ever seen before.

  "Is it s-s-s-safe to look, n-n-n-ow?" asked Toothless, still with his eyes shut.

  Hiccup opened his eyes. "I think so," he said uncertainly.

  He had drawn his sword as Snotlout opened the chest, and now he peered in.

  "It seems," he said suspiciously, "it seems to be just a box full of treasure."

  "OF COURSE it is," said Stoick. "What did I tell you? No BOOBY TRAPS. You have too much imagination, my boy. Sometimes you have to leave things to the experience of your elders and betters."