How to Be a Pirate Page 9

  [Image: Hiccup.]

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  "Keep your point UP, Hiccup," shouted Fishlegs, desperately trying to clamber up after them so he could help. "Eye on the swords at all times, a strong wrist, remember your footwork. ..."

  Alvin the Treacherous gave a great swipe at Hiccup's belly, and Hiccup was surprised to find his left arm jerk up and his own sword block Alvin's in the nick of time.

  Alvin was equally surprised, and he hauled his great sword over his wicked head and he brought it down towards Hiccup's neck, and Hiccup's arm flashed up and parried the blow just before it bit.

  [Image: Hiccup.]

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  Astonished, Alvin began raining blows thick and fast, swiping and slashing and lunging, and Hiccup's left arm parried every thrust as if it had a life of its own.

  "Well, suffering swordfish," exclaimed Fishlegs. "Hiccup is LEFT-HANDED."

  I would not have you think that this was a fight that Hiccup would be proud to look back upon NOW. For Hiccup would grow up to be a Master Swordsman, a Genius of the Art, and this fight, by comparison with the extraordinary skill with which he fought later, was clumsy work, mostly defensive strokes.

  And although I would love to say that Alvin the Treacherous was a brilliant swordfighter, the truth is that he was just so-so at the Art, preferring to poison his enemy's cup or bash him from behind with a rock to fighting him face to face.

  But he was still much older, stronger and more experienced than Hiccup.

  And while it might not have been the best fight Hiccup ever fought, it was certainly the one he would look back on with the most astonishment and pride.

  For it was the first time in his life that Hiccup realized he was left-handed.

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  Imagine if you had spent the whole first part of your life trying to walk on your hands. The clumsiness of it, always falling over, always stumbling, always the last at everything. Imagine the joy of discovering that in fact you could walk on your feet after all.

  That is what it felt like to Hiccup fighting with his left hand for the first time. So exhilarating was the feeling that he was even starting to enjoy himself.

  Hiccup was helped by Toothless, who swooped down and attacked Alvin's head so that Alvin was constantly distracted.

  "Unfair," smiled Alvin. "I never thought Grimbeard's Heir would stoop to TWO AGAINST ONE."

  The excitement made Hiccup overconfident and so he called out, "Leave him to me, Toothless!"

  "Leave him to you?" Fishlegs shouted up furiously. "What do you mean, LEAVE HIM TO YOU??? CARRY ON, TOOTHLESS, AND THAT IS AN ORDER! This is REAL LIFE, Hiccup, not a Swordfighting at Sea lesson, and you need all the help you can get. ..."

  In fact, the practice from the Swordfighting at Sea lessons were a big help to Hiccup.

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  The shifting, moving ground of the treasure mound was rather similar to the movement of the deck at sea. Hiccup kept his balance more easily than Alvin, who continually staggered and lost his footing.

  Nonetheless, it was soon clear that although Hiccup was enjoying himself, he wasn't winning the fight, even with Toothless's help. With a grim smile on his lips, Alvin the Treacherous fought Hiccup back and back, eyes aglow with that red light, back to his old smooth self again.

  "Come on, Hiccup," he wheedled, "don't be scared of your old pal, Treacherous. I wouldn't harm a hair" (swipe) "on your head" (swipe).

  "Listen, Alvin," urged Hiccup, as he parried each blow, "I'm sure we can all get away safely if you forget about the treasure. ..."

  "Oh, I will," promised Alvin, "just as soon as I've killed you, I will."

  "Look, Alvin," reasoned Hiccup, "it's never too late to change. You've still got a chance to live life differently, make friends, start a family. ..."

  "Stop it," said Alvin, "you're making me laugh. You give me a second chance? That's really funny, that is. You're a heartbeat away from the abyss,

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  a mere child fighting a fully grown man, and you're giving me second chances? It's too kind of you." He made a particularly violent lunge that Hiccup just managed to dodge, and very nearly lost his balance doing so.

  "It's too late for me," laughed Alvin. "I'm rotten to the core and I like being rotten. The treasure has got me and I like being got." He raised his sword way above his head as Hiccup clutched desperately at the shifting coins to steady himself.

  "But I appreciate your concern," said Alvin, bringing the sword down with such savage force that it would have cut Hiccup in half -- if he had not spotted it coming and made one last leap out of the way.

  So that the blow, instead of separating Hiccup into two pieces, caught Alvin completely off balance, and he stepped back onto the treasure mound behind, one on which they had not fought before ...

  ... and the treasure unexpectedly reared up beneath him, as if it were alive.

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  18. GRIMBEARD THE GHASTLY'S FINAL SURPRISE

  The entire mound reared up and shook itself, cups and jewels and swords and coins cascading down the sides like molten lava.

  And something that looked like a big white rope reached out of the treasure and wound its way around Alvin's waist.

  It wasn't a rope.

  It was a singularly unattractive white tentacle that looked as if it were made out of a quivering piece of fat. The tentacle was dotted with small indentations out of which there oozed a disgusting whitey-gray sticky sludge that smelt indescribably awful.

  Alvin shrieked in horror as the treasure dropped away to reveal the creature that had been sleeping underneath it, a creature they had awoken with their swordfight.

  It was Grimbeard the Ghastly's last surprise, his FINAL booby trap.

  He had left it there to guard the treasure, a monster that Hiccup had heard of in Legends,

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  but never seen before, and one that he sincerely hoped he would never, ever have to see again.

  It was the same animal that surprised the little lost Deadly Nadder, the day before, if you remember, and it was called a Monstrous Strangulator.

  A Strangulator was a gigantic Monster genetically related to dragons, octopuses and snakes. It had tiny withered dragon wings and tiny crippled dragon legs that were basically useless, as it heaved its great body through underground tunnels like a serpent, leaving a trail of gooey slime.

  It had never seen daylight and was the color of nothing. Its tentacles had obviously found a way up through to the upper caves of the Wild Dragon Cliffs, for it was transparent, and you could actually see the forms of unfortunate dragons it had eaten moving through its digestive system. Some, further down the Strangulator's great length, were lying quite still. Others that he had eaten more recently were jerking about, and one was trying to fly, trapped in the Monster's great throat.

  The naturalist in Hiccup automatically identified the species -- Monstrous Nightmare, Deadly Nadder, Common or Garden times three -- making their slow

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  progress through the Serpent's alimentary canal.

  So small was the Creature's brain in proportion to its size that it had difficulty in keeping sensory track of all of its squirming tentacles, and they wandered about as if they had independent lives of their own. The Creature had to concentrate hard to make the tentacle that was holding Alvin move very slowly up to its head so it could have a look at him, unsure of what to make of this weird new animal.

  "Isss food?" hissed the Serpent musingly to itself.

  [Image: Fishes.]

  Hiccup practically cried with relief. For the creature was speaking a dialect of Dragonese, a very ancient form of it, but Dragonese nonetheless.

  And Hiccup was of the opinion that if you could talk to your killer, you were in with a chance.

  Alvin struggled wildly and slashed at the great squeezing tentacle with the Stormblade.

  "Jickle me with your prickle, would you? said the Creature. " Then I'll t
ickle you with mine. ..."

  And languidly, it dangled the tip of its tail in front of Alvin's face.

  Hiccup had seen such a tail on much smaller

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  animals. It was filled to the tip with a grass-green venom, pure as glass. There was a plunger a little way down, and the tip just had to penetrate its victim, the plunger go down, and it was goodnight sweet world, hello Valhalla.

  "Oh excellent," thought Hiccup to himself. "A poisonous Monstrous Strangulator. My favorite kind."

  Alvin fainted as soon as he set eyes on that deadly tail. He was frightened of needles.

  So the Strangulator didn't even bother to inject him. It just swallowed him whole, alive, just as he was, Stormblade and all.

  In fascinated horror, Hiccup watched the now awake and struggling form of Alvin traveling down the Strangulator's transparent throat.

  "So," thought Hiccup, "the Eater of Human Flesh is eaten himself. Isn't fate artistic?"

  Sometimes it is harder to force yourself to stand still than it is to run away, but Hiccup knew that he wouldn't have a chance if he tried to escape. This animal was just too big. So Hiccup froze, in the hope that the Creature's eyesight was poor, like other beasts that lived solely underground.

  Hiccup was probably right, but one of those

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  constantly moving tentacles accidentally bumped into him, and as soon as it made contact with his warm body it automatically wrapped itself around Hiccup, and lifted him into the air.

  "A Plan!" Fishlegs shouted out wildly from below. "You need a Fiendishly Clever Plan!"

  "Thank you, Fishlegs," said Hiccup, his mind flicking about like a shrimp in a net, and trying to ignore the terrible squeezing around his chest. "I'm aware of that... TOOTHLESS! Come up here!"

  The tentacles were turning Hiccup over and over. Toothless flapped up, and hovered as close as he could. Hiccup shouted something into the little dragon's ear.

  "That's a t-t-t-terrible plan," moaned Toothless, shaking his head.

  "Just do as you're told. for ONCE in your life," yelled Hiccup.

  While the Creature remained unconscious of having caught anything, Hiccup still stood a chance of escape. With his sword, he jabbed away at the sticky tentacle that was encircling his trunk and it seemed to be loosening....

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  Way down at the bottom of the treasure mound, Fishlegs was frantically trying to be helpful.

  [Image: He lifted the sword high, high above his head.]

  In front of him, there lay a heavily bejeweled monstrosity of a sword. Despite the fact that it was nearly as big as himself, Fishlegs managed to pick it up from the floor. Purple in the face with the extraordinary effort, he lifted it high, high above his head, ready to launch it at the Creature's stomach....

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  Unfortunately the backwards momentum of the sword was so great that Fishlegs toppled very slowly backwards with it. There was a bronze shield on the floor behind him, and he landed on it with such force that he knocked himself out.

  The noise of Fishlegs's head connecting with the shield caught the Creature's attention and light finally dawned in its dull eyes, which swam into focus on Hiccup. Its tentacles gripped strongly and escape became impossible.

  "More food?" it mused to itself.

  "NOT food!" Hiccup shouted out. "I'm POISONOUS. Very,very POISONOUS!"

  "Poissonoussssss?" hissed the Creature. "It ssspeakss and iss poissonousss, is it? I'M poissssson-ousssssss. Sssssssee?"

  And it waved the deadly plunger of its tail menacingly in front of Hiccup.

  "Don't like it when the food sssspeaks...," whined the Creature to itself. "Isss trickssssy when it ssspeaks... kill it quickly before it trickssss me...."

  It wrapped its tentacles a little tighter around Hiccup in order to suffocate him.

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  "This is all very, interesting," Hiccup managed to choke out, his eyes popping. "So, how were you thinking of killing me, exactly?"

  Gradually, the awful pressure on Hiccup's chest eased as the Strangulator considered this question.

  "Well," it said slowly, "I wasssss thinking of ssssssqueezing you to death. ..."

  "I onlyask," said Hiccup, gasping for air, "because I was recently nearly swallowed by a Seadragonus Giganticus Maximus, who said, that you Undergrounders were very primitive animals, poorly armed, and only capable of basic forms of killing, such as strangulation."

  The Creature stopped squeezing entirely.

  "That'ssss very rude," it hissed eventually, rather hurt. "What isssss thissss giganti-Maxi-thingy anyway?"

  "Release your tentacles a bit," said Hiccup, "and I'll tell you."

  "Okay," said the Strangulator, "but no tricksssing or I'll get crossssss."

  Slowly the Creature unwound its tentacles, leaving them only loosely wrapped about the boy. Hiccup took in great relieved gulps of air.

  "A Seadragonus Giganticus Maximus," Hiccup

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  continued, "is a gigantic, scary killing machine as big as a mountain...."

  "I'm big ...," the Creature pointed out.

  "It has at least three ways of killing," said Hiccup. "It can rip you to pieces with its talons, bite you to bits with its teeth or fry you to a frazzle with its fire."

  "I can do that ...," said the Creature, less certainly.

  "No, you can't," said Hiccup. "You haven't got any talons, teeth or fire."

  "Ssssso I haven't," said the Strangulator, very disappointed. "But I can sssssssqueeze you to death ...." He brightened up and began to wrap his tentacles around Hiccup again.

  "So OLD-FASHIONED!" shrieked Hiccup hurriedly. "What about tie POISON? That's tie most modern method of killing around. A Seadragonus Giganticus Maximus hasn't got any foison...."

  "Hasssssssn't it?" asked the Creature delightedly.

  "No, it hasn't," said Hiccup. "I'm very curious to see how one of these fancy new poisons works."

  "It'sssss not a nicccccce way to go," warned the Creature.

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  It pointed the sharp needle of its tail straight at Hiccup's heart.

  Suddenly, Toothless flew into the Strangulator's field of vison. The Creature lost concentration for a second as the little dragon zoomed up and down right in front of its eyes. By the time it had coordinated its tentacles enough to frighten Toothless away, the Strangulator was very, very cross.

  "I told you, no trickssssssing!" it hissed, with venom in its voice. "Thisssss will shut you up. ..."

  Fishlegs came back into consciousness just in time to see the Strangulator inject the whole tail's-worth of green poison, enough to kill the entire population of Rome, into the flesh beneath Hiccup's shirt.

  [Image: A pencil.]

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  19. THE HEIR TO GRIMBEARD THE GHASTLY

  "So," chatted Hiccup, "while we're waiting for this poison to take effect, why don't you tell me how it works?"

  "Well," crowed the Strangulator, "you will lose control of your tentaclesss ass they sssstart to sssstiffen. ..."

  "I can feel a sort of tingling in my feet, like pins and needles," admitted Hiccup.

  The Strangulator's own tentacles were leaping about wildly, as stiff as boards.

  "The poissson turnsss sssome victimsss green Before they die ...," hissed the Strangulator gleefully.

  "Is it just me, " said Hiccup, "or is there a sort of greenish tinge to my left arm?"

  There wasn't. It was as white and freckled as ever.

  But a strange green cloud was building within the Strangulator's transparent body, gradually obscuring the unfortunate dragons he was digesting.

  "... and then as the poissson reaches the head"

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  continued the Strangulator, "the nervoussss ssyssstem sssssimply explodesss. ..."

  He looked at Hiccup hopefully. Nothing seemed to be happening.

  "That'sss funny," said the Strangulator.

&nbs
p; "It doesn't sssseem to be working. ..."

  "Maybe some people take longer," said Hiccup reassuringly. "You're looking a little peaked yourself, maybe you should lie down."

  The Strangulator looked down at itself. The green cloud had now blown into every crook and cranny of its body, and was finally approaching its tiny brain....

  "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

  screeched the Strangulator.

  The nervous system of the Strangulator simply exploded.

  All of its electric circuits lit up like lightbulbs. It thrashed around like a mad thing, knocking out great chunks of rock from the sides of the cave and sending treasure flying through the air in all directions.

  Fishlegs hid himself underneath an overhanging

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  rock in order not to be hit by the whirling coils. Toothless crawled into a crevice in the ceiling. For about a minute and a half the Strangulator threw itself wildly off the walls of the cavern, screeching a strange primeval agonized shriek. Then all of its tentacles stood out straight and stiff and it fell to the ground.

  The Strangulator jerked a few more times in agony. Its tail with the dangerous tip lashed ferociously for a moment or two. And then all was silence in the Great Cavern. Huge clouds of dust gradually dispersed.

  Fishlegs crawled out of his hiding place.

  He scrambled over slimy rockfalls, slimy treasure and even slimier coils of Strangulator, looking for Hiccup.

  Hiccup was dazed but alive. He'd had a tidal wave of a ride, thrown this way and that way until his teeth rattled. But the great coils of the tentacle wrapped around his body had cushioned him from any hurt.