How to Be a Pirate Read online

  How to Be a Pirate (The Heroic Misadventures of Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III #2)

  Cressida Cowell

  A note from the translator

  In the summer of 2002, a boy digging an a beach found a box that contained the following papers.

  They are the lost second volume of memoirs of Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third the famous Viking Here, Dragon-Whisperer and Top Swordfighter.

  They tell the story of how he acquired his famous sword, his first meeting with his archenemy The Most High and Murderous Thief of the Outcasts, and the terrible secret of the Treasure of Grimbeard the Ghastly....

  REVIEWS FOR HOW TO Be A PIRATE:

  "Hiccup's scariest, funniest adventure so far."

  The Pirate Post

  "Just who does this Horrendous Haddock think he is?

  Us dragons could have him for breakfast."

  The Scaly Mail

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  CONTENTS

  Treasure Map of Grimbeard the Ghastly.........................viii

  1. Swordfighting at Sea (Beginners Only)..........................1

  2. The Fight with Dogsbreath the Duhbrain..................... 11

  3. A Chance in a Million...................................................24

  4. Whose Coffin Is This Anyway?....................................27

  5. DO NOT OPEN A COFFIN........................................37

  6. The Tale of Alvin.................................................... 49

  7. Practicing Swordfighting..............................................58

  8. Meanwhile, in a Cavern................................................74

  9. The Advanced Rudery Lesson......................................77

  10. The Worst Day of Hiccup's Life So Far......................85

  11. The Treasure of Grimbeard the Ghastly..................103

  12. Escape from the Isle of the Skullions.........................l08

  13. The Treasure...............................................126

  14. The Day Takes a Turn for the Worse........................133

  15. The Battle on Board the Lucky Thirteen ..................144

  16. At the Bottom of the Ocean......................................153

  17. How Bad Could This Day Get?................................157

  18. Grimbeard the Ghastly's Final Surprise...................180

  19. The Heir to Grimbeard the Ghastly..........................193

  Epilogue.........................................................209

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  [Map: Treasure map of Grimbeard the Ghastly.]

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  [Blank Page]

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  1. SWORDFIGHTING AT SEA (BEGINNERS ONLY)

  Thor was SERIOUSLY annoyed.

  He had sent a mighty summer storm to claw up the seas around the bleak little Isle of Berk. A black wind was shrieking across the wild and angry ocean. Furious thunder boomed overhead. Lightning speared into the water.

  Only a madman would think it was the kind of weather for a pleasant sail.

  But, amazingly, there was one ship being hurled violently from wave to wave, the hungry ocean chewing at her sides, hoping to tip her over and swallow the souls aboard and grind their bones into sand.

  The madman in charge of this

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  ship was Gobber the Belch. Gobber ran the Pirate Training Program on the Isle of Berk and this crazy voyage was, in fact, one of Gobber's lessons, Swordfighting at Sea (Beginners Only).

  "OKAY, YOU DRIPPY LOT!" yelled Gobber, a six-and-a-half-foot hairy muscle-bound lunatic, with a beard like a ferret having a fit and biceps the size of your head. "PUT YOUR BACKS INTO IT, FOR THOR'S SAKE, YOU ARE NOT AN ICKLE PRETTY JELLYFISH.... HICCUP, YOU ARE ROWING LIKE AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD..... THE FAT BIT OF THE OAR GOES IN THE WATER.... WE HAVEN'T GOT ALL YEAR TO GET THERE ...." etc. etc.

  Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third gritted his teeth as a big wave came screaming over the side and hit him full in the face.

  Hiccup is, in fact, the Hero of this story, although you would never have guessed this to look at him. He was on the small side and had the sort of face that was almost entirely unmemorable.

  There were twelve other boys struggling with the oars of that ship, and practically all of them looked more like Viking Heroes than Hiccup did.

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  Wartihog, for instance, was only eleven, but he already had a fine crop of bubbling adolescent pimples and a personal odor problem. Dogsbreath could row as hard as anybody else with one hand, while picking his nose with the other. Snotlout was a natural leader. Clueless had ear hair.

  Hiccup was just absolutely average, the kind of unremarkable, skinny, freckled boy who was easy to overlook in a crowd.

  Beneath the rowing benches, thirteen dragons were huddled, one for each boy.

  [Image: Men.]

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  The dragon belonging to Hiccup was much, much smaller than the others. His name was Toothless, an emerald green Common or Garden dragon with enormous eyes and a sulky expression.

  He was whining to Hiccup in Dragonese.*

  "These Vikings c-c-crazy. Toothless g-g-got salt in his wings. Toothless sitting in a big cold puddle. Toothless h-h-hungry.... F-F-FEED ME." He tugged at Hiccup's pants. "Toothless need f-f-food NOW."

  [Image: a dragon's wings make a great umbrella.]

  * Dragonese was the native tongue of the dragons. I have translated it into English for the benefit of those readers whose Dragonese is a bit rusty. Only Hiccup could understand this fascinating language.

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  "I'm sorry, Toothless." Hiccup winced as the boat plunged maniacally downwards on the back of another monstrous wave. "But this is not a g ood. moment...."

  "THOR ONLY KNOWS," yelled Gobber, "how you USELESS LOT got initiated into the tribe of the Hairy Hooligans ... but you now face four tough years on the Pirate Training Program before you can truly call yourselves VIKINGS."

  "Oh great," thought Hiccup gloomily.

  "We will begin with the most important

  Viking Skill of all... SWORDFIGHTING AT SEA."

  Gobber grinned.

  "The rules of Pirate Swordfighting are ... THERE ARE NO RULES. In this lesson, biting, gouging, scratching and anything else particularly nasty all get you extra points. The first boy to call out 'I submit' shall be the loser."

  "Or we all drown," muttered Hiccup, "whichever is the sooner."

  "NOW," shouted Gobber. "I NOMINATE

  THE FIRST BOY AS DOGSBREATH THE DUHBRAIN. WHO'S GOING TO FIGHT HIM?"

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  [Image: Hiccup.]

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  Dogsbreath the Duhbrain grunted happily at the thought of spilling blood. Dogsbreath was a mindless thug of a boy with hairy knuckles that practically grazed the ground as he walked, and mean little eyes and a big ring in his flared nostrils made him look like a bristly boar with a bad character.

  "Who shall fight Dogsbreath?" repeated Gobber the Belch.

  Ten of the boys stuck their hands up with cries of "Oooosirmesirpleasechoosemesir," wildly excited at the thought of being smooshed into a pulp by Dogsbreath the Duhbrain. This was predictable. That's what most Hooligans were like.

  But what was more surprising was that HICCUP also leapt to his feet, shouting, "I nominate myself, Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third!"

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  This was unusual because while Hiccup was the only son of Chief Stoick the Vast, he was not what you might call "naturally sporty." He was nearly as bad at Bashyball, Thugger and all the other violent Viking games as his best friend Fishlegs.

  And Fishlegs had a squint, a limp, numerous alle
rgies and no coordination whatsoever.

  "What has got into you?" whispered Fishlegs. "Sit down, you lunatic.... He'll murder you. ..."

  "Don't worry, Fishlegs," said Hiccup, "I know what I'm doing here."

  "Okay, HICCUP," boomed Gobber in surprise. "Get up here, boy, and show us what you're made of."

  "If I'm EVER going to be Chief of this Tribe," whispered Hiccup to Fishlegs, as he started taking off his jacket and buckling on his sword, "I'm going to have to be a Hero at something...."

  "Trust me," said Fishlegs, "THIS IS NOT YOUR THING.... Clever ideas, yes. Talking to dragons, yes. But one-to-one combat with a brute like Dogsbreath? Absolutely NO, NO, NO."

  Hiccup ignored him. "The Horrendous Haddocks have always had a gift for swordfighting.

  I reckon it's in the blood.... Look at my great-great-

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  grandfather, Grimbeard the Ghastly. Best swordfighter EVER.... "

  "Yes, but have YOU ever done any swordfighting before?" asked Fishlegs.

  "Well, no," admitted Hiccup, "but I've read books on it. I know all the moves.... The Piercing Lunge ... The Destroyer's Defense ... Grimbeard's Grapple ... And I've got this great new sword. ..."

  The sword was, indeed, an excellent one, a Swiftpoint Scaremaker with go-faster stripes and a handle shaped like a hammerhead shark.

  [Image: A sword.]

  "Besides," said Hiccup, "I'm never going to be in actual danger. ..."

  The Pirates-in-Training practiced with wooden cases on their swords. "Mollycoddling, we never did that in MY DAY," was Gobber's opinion. However, it DID mean the Hooligan Tribe ended up with more live Pirates at the end of the Program.

  Fishlegs sighed. "Okay, you madman. If you have to do this ... keep looking in his eyes .... keep your sword up at all times ... and say a big prayer to Thor the Thunderer because you're going to need all the help you can get...."

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  2. THE FIGHT WITH DOGS-BREATH THE DUHBRAIN

  Dogsbreath stood, pawing the deck in anticipation.

  "KILL HIM, DOGSBREATH!" shouted

  Snotface Snotlout, Dogsbreath's friend and fellow bully.

  Snotlout LOATHED Hiccup.

  "I will," grinned Dogsbreath.

  "This will be a massacre," hissed Dogsbreath's dragon Seaslug, an ugly great Gronckle with a pug nose and a mean temper. "My master will tear this Hiccup limb from limb and throw him to the gulls."

  "D-d-don't bet on it," said Toothless, without a lot of conviction, and he gave Seaslug a sharp nip on the tail before scrambling for cover underneath one of the rowing benches.

  Hiccup edged forward towards the hulking figure of Dogsbreath, swallowing hard. He tried to remember what The Hero's Handbook had said about swordfighting an opponent much bigger than yourself.... Something about ducking about, letting the enemy exhaust himself, using his own body weight against him....

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  "D-d-don't let him c-c-catch you!"advised Toothless, appearing for a moment from underneath the bench and then diving back into his hiding place as Seaslug lunged at him with a crunching crash of razor-sharp teeth.

  Hiccup stepped forward lightly and calmly, looking Dogsbreath straight in the mean, piggy little eyes.

  Dogsbreath grinned nastily at him, and aimed a huge flailing swipe at his head.

  Hiccup ducked.

  "Yay, HICCUP!" cheered Fishlegs. "That's the way to do it!"

  Dogsbreath looked rather surprised. He swiped at Hiccup again, even more violently.

  And again Hiccup ducked.

  This time he was so quick about it that Dogsbreath staggered and nearly lost his footing.

  "HIC-CUP! HIC-CUP! HIC-CUP!" yelled most of the boys. (Hiccup was popular with the other boys at the time because a month before he had single-handedly killed a Sea Dragon that threatened the whole Tribe.)*

  * See How to Train Your Dragon, the first volume of Hiccup's memoirs.

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  Hiccup felt a little bubble of happiness somewhere inside him.

  This was great.

  Now Dogsbreath was getting cross. He snorted furiously, and lunged forward straight at Hiccup's heart. Hiccup dodged nimbly out of the way and ... slipped on a slimy piece of the deck and ... Dogsbreath reached out one meaty fist and ... grabbed Hiccup by the back of the shirt and caught him.

  This was not so great.

  "Okay," thought Hiccup. "So he's caught me. What do I do now then?"

  Toothless burst out from underneath the bench and hovered for a second or two, three inches from Hiccup's nose, shrieking, "S-S-SUBMIT! S-S-SUBMIT! S-S-SUBMIT!" at the top of his voice before zooming back to safety.

  "I can't submit," said Hiccup indignantly.

  [Image: Hiccup.]

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  "I'm supposed to be this Pirate Hero. Pirates don't submit."

  "Oh goodee," said Dogsbreath happily before whacking Hiccup briskly on the helmet a few times with his sword. Hiccup tried to stop him, but each time he was too slow to protect himself.

  "This is just embarrassing," thought Hiccup as Dogsbreath's sword clanged off his helmet for the third time. "Time to try a few moves."

  He had a go at the Destroyer's Defense. He could see himself in his mind's eye, elegant, stylish. But when his brain tried to tell his arm what to do, his arm responded in this clumsy, fumbling way, and Dogsbreath grabbed hold of the fancy Swiftpoint Scaremaker and threw it over the side into the ocean.

  There were hoots and jeers from the watching Vikings.

  Fishlegs and Toothless winced. "Toothless can't l-l-look," moaned Toothless, with his wings over his eyes. "S-S-SUBMIT, you stupid human ."

  [Image: A pirate.]

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  "What are you going to do, Hiccup?" sneered Snotlout. "Fight him with your bare hands? Or SUBMIT?"

  "No way," said Hiccup stubbornly.

  Dogsbreath moved in for the kill with a few breath-quenching jabs to the stomach. "Oh for THOR'S SAKE, Hiccup," yelled Gobber in exasperation. "You're fighting like an infant. You're not going to get anywhere by lying on the floor groaning. Bite him on the ankle or SOMETHING."

  "He's USELESS," crowed Snotlout gleefully. "Hiccup the Useless, didn't I tell you? All that Dragon-Killing last month was just a fluke. USELESS, USE-LESS, USE-LESS...."

  Boys are very fickle. Hiccup's popularity vanished on the spot. They started chanting, "USE-LESS, USE-LESS, USE-LESS...."

  The dragons joined in eagerly.

  "Scratch his eyes out!" screeched Brightclaw.

  "Tear his wings off!" howled Fireworm.

  "S-s-submit," moaned Toothless.

  With a snort of satisfaction, Dogsbreath threw away his own sword and got down to the business he really enjoyed, hand-to-hand combat. Dogsbreath was

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  an artist in his own sweet way. He liked to get the feel of his victim's flesh in his bare hands, like a sculptor with his clay.

  Dogsbreath began by sitting on Hiccup, to the huge cheers of the rest of the boys. He followed this by scrunching Hiccup's face into the deck and twisting his ear at the same time.

  "Oh suffering scallops," said Fishlegs, shutting his eyes. "I can't watch this. YOU CAN STILL DO IT,

  HICCUP!" he shouted. "USE HIS BODY WEIGHT AGAINST HIM,!"

  "And just how," inquired Hiccup out of one corner of his mashed mouth, "am I supposed to do that with him sitting on top of me?"

  While everybody was concentrating on watching this massacre, Snotlout sneakily picked up Dogsbreath's sword and removed the wooden case.

  "SUBMIT! SUBMIT! SUBMIT!" yelled Dogsbreath, gleefully bouncing up and down.

  "No," said Hiccup.

  "Maybe ickle Hiccup is going to start cwying," crowed Snotlout.

  "USE-LESS, USE-LESS, USE-LESS," chanted the boys.

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  [Image: A pirate and a dragon.]

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  Toothless emerged from beneath Wartihog's bench. He looked left and right for any sign of Seaslug. And there, only inche
s away, was Dogsbreath's gigantic quivering bottom. It was too tempting. Toothless unlocked his jaws as wide as they would go.

  As his name suggests, Toothless was entirely fang free. But his hard little gums could slice through the shell of an oyster and crush the claws of a crab....

  He leapt forward and BIT that wobbling rear end as hard as he could.

  "OOOOOOOOW!" howled Dogsbreath, letting go of Hiccup, who scrambled out of his way as quickly as he could.

  Now Dogsbreath was really, really mad.

  He grabbed hold of his sword, not realizing or caring that it no longer had a wooden case on it, and lunged wildly at Hiccup. Hiccup leapt out of the way, but the sharp point of the blade pierced his shirt and tore a neat slice out of it.

  "Uh-oh," said Hiccup, suddenly realizing he was in Big Trouble. "Dogsbreath, your sword has lost its ..."

  But Dogsbreath wasn't listening. He gave a roar of maddened fury, and made a great slashing swipe at Hiccup's head. Hiccup ducked and the wickedly sharp

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  blade buried itself in the mast of the boat, slicing the top off one of the horns on Hiccup's helmet in the process.

  "STOP!" cried Hiccup from behind the mast, as Dogsbreath tugged furiously at his sword to pull it free. "Your sword has lost its case, you're going to

  KILL ME,,.,"

  But Dogsbreath was so angry he could not hear a thing. He gave a great heave with his mighty muscles and the sword jerked free so suddenly that the poor brute sat down heavily on his bottom, just on that tender spot where Toothless had taken a big chunk out of it.

  "YOOOOOOOOOW!" yelled Dogsbreath.

  "HA HA HA HA HA!" laughed the boys.

  [Image: Storm.]

  Dogsbreath staggered to his feet, as mad as a harpooned whale. He threw himself at Hiccup with great bellows of fury. Although Hiccup managed to avoid him again, this time he slipped over in the process. Dogsbreath pinned him down with