How to Speak Dragonese Read online

III The BOG-BURGLARS and the HOOLIGANS are so busy fighting EACH OTHER they do not notice the Romans...stealing EVERY SINGLE DRAGON IN THE WHOLE OF THE INNER ISLBS!!!

  Her her her her her (evil laughter)

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  work to do. He had to get Fishlegs and himself off this ship alive.

  Luckily, although everyday life as a Viking was a big struggle for Hiccup, he always came into his own in a crisis. And this sure was a crisis.

  Hiccup quickly summed up the problem. On the other side: three hundred and fifty of Imperial Rome's finest soldiers armed with javelins, swords, spears, arrows, entrenching tools, etc., etc., etc. On his side: two scrawny Vikings and two small dragons, one on strike and one in a coma.

  Yup, it was a crisis.

  Hiccup's eye was caught by a tiny Electric-squirm clinging to the edge of the curtain. He looked from the Electricsquirm back to the cage of dragons. All that talk about distracting had given him an idea.

  Perhaps he could use the Electricsquirm to distract the Romans' attention so that he could tiptoe up and open that cage of dragons. The dragons would rush out and attack everybody, and in the confusion, Hiccup could rescue Fishlegs...

  Hiccup got out his handkerchief, wrapped it

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  VIKING DRAGONS AND THEIR EGGS

  The ELECTRICSQUIRM

  This nanodragon is not aggressive, but it gives a truly terrible (although not fatal) electric shock when touched. Like their close cousins the Glow-worms, these creatures can he used as a source of light if no flame or candle is available.

  STATISTICS

  COLORS: Transparent SIZE: Very small

  POISON: None.....0

  RADAR: None........0

  ARMED WITH: Electricity.........8

  DEFENSE: Electricity.......8

  SPEED: Quite nippy.....5

  FEAR AND FIGHT FACTOR: Harmless if picked up by tail.... 5

  [Image: Horny tail does not conduct electricity.]

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  around his hand and picked up the Electricsquirm very, very carefully by the tail.

  As its name suggests, the Electricsquirm gives a truly terrible electric shock if you touch it in the wrong place. The tail is fine, because it is made of some sort of horny material that does not conduct electricity. But every other part of its body is likely to electrocute you.

  Hiccup dropped to his hands and knees and softly pushed aside the curtains of the canopy.

  The Thin Prefect and the Fat Consul were still deep in conversation.

  The Fat Consul had nearly finished his nanodragons-in-honey. There was only one nanodragon left on the plate, struggling to escape. No one was looking at it; the two men were far too busy talking.

  Hiccup crawled forward, reached up and removed the nanodragon, putting it in his pocket. At least he had saved one of the poor creatures. He replaced the nanodragon with the Electricsquirm, which was almost exactly the same size.

  Hiccup then crept away toward the cage of dragons.

  Still talking, the Fat Consul reached out with one fat hand to grab another portion of nanodragon. His

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  porky fingers scrabbled around in the honey for the final juicy morsel... and closed around the stomach of the Electricsquirm.

  All thirty-eight stone of the Fat Consul soared quite one meter in the air.

  His hair stuck up and out like a hedgehog, sparks flew out of his ears and his great blubbering mounds of flesh lit up with a strange blue light and quivered and shivered and wobbled and jiggled hysterically like a truly gigantic pink jelly that has been struck by lightning.

  A few seconds later he fell to earth again. His toga turned to ashes around him and the vast flabby acres of his enormous stomach went on wobbling for the next ten minutes.

  While everybody's attention was being drawn to the Fat Consul doing a one-man impression of the northern lights, Hiccup quietly lifted the wooden bar of the dragons' cage.

  The next moment there was pandemonium aboard the deck of the Roman ship as the dragons poured out in a furious, shrieking, snapping and flaming river of beaks and wings and talons and tails,

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  attacking the Romans, setting fire to the sails and causing no end of damage.

  The Thin Prefect climbed on top of his couch in order to have a better view of what was happening.

  "Hiccup!" he said to himself under his breath. "This is the work of Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third or I am a freshwater crayfish -- which I'm not of course. Well, I'll flush you out of your hiding place, my fine fellow, you see if I don't... CENTURION!"

  This command was directed at the Roman soldier who was still holding Fishlegs upside down by his left ankle.

  'Trepare to execute the prisoner!"

  The centurion drew his sword with a flourish and swung it up over his head.

  "HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCUP!'' screamed Fishlegs, absolutely terrified.

  This was not part of Hiccup's plan.

  "TOOOOOOOOOTHLESS!" screamed Hiccup.

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  4. TOOTHLESS TO THE RESCUE

  Toothless had spent the last ten minutes muttering to himself at the top of the mast. At first he was so full of self-pity he had no time to worry about what was happening to his masters. "NOBODY loves T-T-Toothless," he said to himself. But then the noises from the Roman ship got louder, and the boys did not reappear, and he started to get worried.

  When he heard Hiccup's YELL for help the little dragon called off his strike.

  He zoomed off his perch and flew to the ship, and even from the height he was flying, his sharp little eyes immediately spotted that way down below on the deck there was a large Roman centurion who was holding Fishlegs by the leg. The centurion was about to execute Fishlegs with his sword.

  Toothless folded his wings back and went into a dive, just as he might do if he were hunting mackerel or herring. His target was the centurion's head, and by the time he reached it, he was going so fast he was a little dragon blur. He tore into the helmet, sending

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  feathers from the plume flying in all directions, and bit and scratched as hard as he could.

  The centurion let out a yell of surprise and rage. For a moment he was knocked off balance, but he recovered when he realized his attacker was only a very small dragon. Fishlegs swung desperately from side to side, trying to break free; but the centurion was made of tough stuff. He tightened his grip on Fishlegs's ankle and swung his sword around, trying to hit Toothless with it.

  So Hiccup grabbed a passing Slitherfang and shoved it up the centurion's tunic. The centurion let out a bellow and dropped Fishlegs.

  Wouldn't you?

  A Slitherfang in the knickers is no laughing matter. The centurion hopped from foot to foot, clutching his bottom and squealing like a pig as he tried to catch hold of the nibbling, wriggling, scratching Slitherfang in his underwear.

  "Let's get out of here!" howled Hiccup, hauling Fishlegs to his feet.

  He also picked up a Roman helmet that was lying on the deck nearby. They were going to have some explaining to do to Gobber when they got back, and this might help.

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  [Image: A slither fang in the KNICKERS is NO LAUGHING MATTER.]

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  All around them there was chaos, with dragons attacking Romans and Romans attacking dragons and trying to put out the fires the dragons were making.

  Hearts racing as fast as rabbits, panting and stumbling, Hiccup and Fishlegs ran as fast as they could to the spot where they had boarded the ship. The rope was still in place, The Hopeful Puffin would be waiting down below on the other side ... Fishlegs got to the edge first, and scrambled over. Hiccup was only a few steps away from him.... when a hand grabbed the back of his tunic, ripping out his pocket.

  Hiccup's book, How to Speak Dragonese, fell onto the deck.

  Hiccup stopped to reach down and pick it up ...

  ... and came face to face with the glitteringly triumphant eyes of the Thin Prefect th
rough the iron visor of his helmet. Hiccup's heart turned to ice. The Prefect was holding on to the other end of the book.

  "AHA!" spat the Thin Prefect.

  They both pulled. "Let go!" hissed the Thin Prefect. "You can't win, you know. This is mine now ..." Hiccup could have let go but this was his book after

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  all and despite his terror, some deep, indignant rage made him hang on strongly until...

  ... something sharp and iron shot out from beneath the Thin Prefect's cloak and cut into the back of Hiccup's hand.

  Hiccup screamed and jumped backward.

  The book split in two, and before the Thin Prefect could pull himself together and catch hold of him again, Hiccup scrambled away and over the edge of the ship.

  There wasn't even time to climb down the rope. Hiccup swung from it, and then let go, crashing onto the deck of The Hopeful Puffin some way below

  Fishlegs cut the rope that tied them to the ship, and their little boat was pulled away so swiftly by the current that she went into one of her spins.

  "Where's Toothless?" asked Hiccup.

  Toothless had been held up.

  His foot was caught in the centurion's chin strap, and for a moment they were tied together -- and Toothless had quite a bumpy ride because the centurion was jumping up and down like an octopus

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  with chicken pox, as he tried to get rid of the Slither fang in his knickers.

  Toothless finally snapped the chin strap with his hard little gums, and to Hiccup's relief, as The Hopeful Puffin twirled around for the fifth time -- looking for all the world as if she was dancing -- Toothless came screeching up to the edge of the ship toward them at the speed of a flying arrow.

  "Oh, thank Thor!" Hiccup exclaimed joyfully.

  But one minute Toothless was flying through the air like a stormy petrel in a hurry; the next a net weighted with stones appeared out of nowhere, wrapped itself round the little dragon in midair and brought him back down onto the deck of the Roman ship as if struck by a spear.

  "TOOOOOOOOTHLESS!" cried Hiccup.

  Two figures appeared over the edge of the ship. One was the Thin Prefect holding half of the How to Speak Dragonese book. The other was a Roman soldier. In one hand he held a trident. In the other he held a net. ..

  ... and within that net, struggling and biting ,and turning wild somersaults in his desperation to be 'free, was ...

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  .. . Toothless.

  The Hopeful Puffin made another crazy turn and Hiccup gazed at his captured dragon in despair until the Roman ship was swallowed up by the fog and Hiccup could see him no more.

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  How to speak Dragoness by Hiccup horrendous Haddock III

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  Pishyon

  please

  Thankee

  thank you

  Munch-munch

  eat

  Crappa Caek-caek

  poo

  Dobbli wobbli

  bottom

  No like it

  I don't like it

  Me like it

  I do like it

  Gobba

  spit

  Botty-crackers

  farts

  Hoosus

  house

  Gaff

  nest

  Chuck-it-up

  to be sick

  Yum-yum on di bum

  to bite someone on the bottom

  Yum-yum on di tum

  to bite someone on the stomach

  Yum-yum on di thumb

  to bite someone on the finger

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  Bath time

  When a dragon has spent the whole day in a mud wallow and they then want to curl up in your bed you have no option. YOU HAVE TO GIVE THEM A BATH. Good luck.

  Dragon: Me na wash di bum. Me na wash di face. Me na wash di claws. Me na splashy oo di splashy ATALL.

  I do not want a bath.

  You are going to have to be cunning and use PSYCHOLOGY

  You: Na bathtime ever never ever never. Me repeeti. Na bathtime EVER NEVER. On no account are you to get in the bath.

  Dragon (whining): Me wanti splishy splashy

  You: Okey dokey just wun time.

  All right just this once.

  Hoody drunken di bath juice?

  Who has drunk up the bath water?

  [Image: Hiccup.]

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  Miaowla

  cat

  Dim-woof

  dog

  Squcaky-snack

  mouse

  Pestistings

  nanodragons

  Randifloss

  rabbits

  Stinkfish

  haddock

  Prickle-burger

  deer

  Serumlush

  delicious

  Doubly yuck-yuck

  disgusting

  Bum-support

  chair

  Sleepy-Slah

  bed

  Munchy-holder

  table

  Warmadi-tootsies

  fire

  Do di girly boo-hoo

  to burst into tears

  Do di wobbly screamers

  to have a tantrum

  Do di chuckli ha-has

  to laugh

  Frieundlee

  friend

  Piss-people

  enemy

  Do di screemi berserkers

  to lose your temper

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  Dinner time

  Dragon: Issa yuck-yuck.

  This is disgusting.

  Dragon: Me na likeit di stink fish. Issa yuck-yuck.

  Issa poo-poo. Issa doubly doubly yuck-yuck.

  I don't like haddock. It's revolting. It's gross. It's really revolting.

  You: Okey dokey so questa yow eaty?

  All right then, so what will you eat?

  Dragon: Me, eaty di miaowla...

  I want to eat the cat...

  You: (you can raise your voice now) NA EATY DI BUM-SUPPORT, NA EATY DI SLEEPY-SLAB PLUS DOUBLY DOUBLY ISA EATY DI MIAOWLA!

  Don't eat the chair, don't eat the bed and definitely don't eat the cat!

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  Do di hissi fittings

  to kiss

  squeezes

  to hug

  Do di scarlet strokings

  to scratch

  'es alright reely

  to love

  Da wingless Land prisoners Skyless dirt grubbers No brainers

  humans

  Flicka-flame

  to set fire to

  Snotting-gum

  boogers

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  Talking to BIG DraGons

  Dragon: ooohserumplush yum-yuminditum eatings di iekle prickle-burger!

  "Ooh, delicious, a scrummy little deer!

  You: Me look a di scrummy may me ow-in-di-tummy.

  "I may look delicious but I'm actually very poisonous."

  And if that doesn't work...

  You: Me gambla yow na flicka-flame di gaff da di pestistings.

  "I bet you can't set fire to that nanodragon nest."

  Dragon: Easipeasilemonsqueezi

  "U can do that no problem."

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  [Image: I hate snotlout, gobber is a girly.]

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  5. BACK ON BERK

  By the time The Hopeful Puffin had stopped turning round in circles, the fog had started to lift a little. Half an hour later, the mist had vanished entirely, and they could see for miles in every direction.

  The Roman ship was nowhere to be seen.

  The water was as cold as ice again, so there was no further danger of bumping into any Sharkworms. They had not gone as far off course as Hiccup had thought. They set off toward the distant silhouette of Berk to the north. Fishlegs took the rudder because Hiccup was too depressed to do anything.

  Hiccup sat staring at his half of How to Speak Dragonese. All that work, all that time spent dragonwatching at the Wild Dragon Cliffs, ripped in two. He was trying not to
think of what might be happening to Toothless on board the Roman ship.

  [Image: Hiccup.]

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  Toothless hated the idea of being trapped so much Hiccup even had to leave the door open when they went to bed. And now there he was, most likely locked up in that horrible iron cage.

  We'd just had an argument, too, thought Hiccup in total misery. And he flew to our rescue ... and now I might never see him again.

  Horrorcow finally woke up from her deep sleep. "Did you get that helmet?" she yawned.

  "Not exactly," replied Fishlegs grimly. "It's a long story."

  In her strange, spinning and zigzagging fashion, The Hopeful Puffin drew nearer to the little Isle of Berk.

  The Isle of Berk has been home to the Hooligan Tribes for so long as to seem like forever. It is one of the smallest inhabited islands in the Barbaric Archipelago, and perhaps the best way to describe it is "wet." There are twenty-eight words for "rain" in the Hooligan language. And Berk is the kind of place where the sea is always wandering up onto the land. Even at the Highest Point you can find scallop shells and dolphins' bones, thrown up by some gigantic tide or storm.