How to Train Your Dragon: How to Cheat a Dragon's Curse Read online

  Hiccup.

  ‘This is where the tricky part gets trickier…’

  wheezed Old Wrinkly. ‘The antidote to the sting of the

  Venomous Vorpent is the Vegetable-that-No-one-Dares-

  Name.’

  ‘What, you mean the POTATO?’ gasped Hiccup.

  ‘Sssssh,’ whispered Old Wrinkly, desperately

  flapping his hands. ‘You’re not supposed to name it! It’s

  bad luck!’

  ‘But the POTATO is an imaginary vegetable!’ said

  Hiccup, who thought all this talk of bad luck was just

  superstition. ‘It doesn’t really exist!’

  ‘There are those that say the Vegetable-that-No-

  one-Dares-Name can be found in a great country to the

  west known as America…’ Old Wrinkly pointed out.

  ‘But most people say,’ said Hiccup slowly, ‘that

  there’s no such place as America. Most people say

  that it’s an imaginary land that only crackpot weirdos

  believe in. Most people think that the earth is as flat as

  a pancake, and if you sail too far to the west you will fall

  off the end of it.’

  ‘That is what most people say,’ admitted Old

  Wrinkly, shrugging his shoulders and carrying on puffing

  his pipe.

  ‘And even if there WAS such a thing as this

  so-called potato in this so-called land called America,’

  argued Hiccup, ‘we’re never going to be able to sail to it

  and find the antidote in only ONE DAY. In one day

  you’d hardly be out of the Sullen Sea… the thing you’re

  suggesting is IMPOSSIBLE.’

  ‘There’s no such thing as im-POSSIBLE,

  Hiccup,’ snorted Old Wrinkly, ‘only im-PROBABLE.

  The only thing that limits us are the limits to our

  imaginations… and I used to think of you as an

  imaginative boy. Give up, if you want to… but I used to

  think of you as the sort of boy who would NEVER give

  up, however bad things looked.’

  ‘OK, then,’ said Hiccup crossly. ‘Give me one

  reason not to give up.’

  ‘I will give you a reason,’ said Old Wrinkly.

  ‘There is a chance that Norbert the Nutjob, Chief of the

  Hysterics, may have the antidote to Vorpentitis.’

  Hiccup jumped. ‘NORBERT THE NUTJOB??’

  said Hiccup. ‘Why does HE have a POTATO? Where

  did he get it from?’

  ‘I will explain by telling you the story of Norbert

  the Nutjob’s father and the Doomfang,’ said Old

  Wrinkly.

  ‘You do that,’ said Hiccup, already feeling

  anxious at the mere mention of Norbert the Nutjob.

  Old Wrinkly relit his pipe. ‘I have to warn you,

  Hiccup,’ wheezed Old Wrinkly between puffs, ‘that, like

  a lot of stories, this may or may not be true…’

  93

  94

  The Story of Norbert the Nutjob’s Father

  and the Doomfang

  ‘Fifteen years ago,’ began Old Wrinkly, ‘the Chief of

  the Hysterical Tribe was Norbert the Nutjob’s father,

  Bigjob... The Hysterics have never believed that the world

  is flat, and that if you sail too far to the west you will fall

  off the end of it. The Hysterics think this is poppycock.

  Bigjob believed that the earth was as round as the moon,

  and he set out to prove it.

  ‘Bigjob built the greatest Viking ship you have ever

  seen, a ship called The American Dream, and he sailed far,

  far to the west through storms as black and wild as Woden’s

  nightmares. He sailed past icebergs higher than a ship’s great

  mast and on and on over the Great Green Sea Desert, and

  however far he sailed he never came to the end of the world,

  for the world is as round as a circle, and a circle has no end.’

  95

  Hiccup could contain himself no longer. ‘Is this

  true?’ he burst out. ‘Is the world really a circle that has

  no end?’

  ‘I have no idea,’ replied Old Wrinkly calmly. ‘As I

  told you, this is a story. Be quiet and I’ll tell you the end.

  ‘After a journey so long it seemed like for ever,

  Bigjob at last found the land that he had dreamed about,

  the land called America. This was a glorious country, full

  of natural Treasures like the Vegetable-that-No-one-Dares-

  Name, and friendly natives that Bigjob called “Feather

  People”. Bigjob spent a happy couple of months there before

  returning home to the Inner Isles.

  ‘Norbert’s father decided to take back with him a

  FROZEN VEGETABLE-THAT-NO-ONE-DARES-

  NAME, so that everybody would believe that he really

  had been to America. On the journey back, Bigjob had

  an extraordinary feeling the ship was being FOLLOWED.

  At first he thought it was a great whale or a shark, but

  eventually he realised it was something far, far worse. It was

  a tremendous Sea Dragon called a DOOMFANG.’

  ‘That is strange,’ interrupted Hiccup. Hiccup

  knew a great deal about dragons, and this was very odd

  behaviour for a Doomfang. Doomfangs are heavily

  armed, terrifying creatures, but they normally just ignore

  humans.

  96

  ‘Will you stop interrupting?’ said Old Wrinkly.

  ‘This dreadful animal followed them all the way

  from America like a Curse. It was only when they reached

  the Wrath of Thor that the animal attacked, and tried to

  swallow the boat. Bigjob was very brave. Riding his dragon

  the Thunderer, he shot arrow after arrow at the Doomfang.

  These specially sharp arrows had been given to Bigjob by

  the Feather People, who are very expert at making arrows.

  Bigjob was down to his last arrow when the Doomfang

  finally killed him. Ever since that day, the Doomfang has

  never left the Wrath of Thor. For fifteen years, no one has

  been able to get into Hysteria, and no one can come out.

  The Chief of the Hysterical Tribe is now Bigjob’s son,

  Norbert the Nutjob, and he has never got over the death

  of his father. It is said that he keeps the frozen Vegetable-

  that-No-one-Dares-Name in a casket, and it is in as good

  condition as it was fifteen years ago.

  ‘So there you are,’ said Old Wrinkly, ‘That is the story

  of Norbert the Nutjob’s father and the Doomfang. Of

  course, at this time of year, the Wrath of Thor is frozen

  over, and the Doomfang is trapped under the ice. And

  Hysteria is only a three-hour sleigh ride from here.’

  Hiccup jumped to his feet. ‘I know,’ he said. ‘We

  were there only yesterday. We haven’t got a moment to

  97

  lose… I must go to Hysteria and bring back the

  antidote.’

  Fishlegs’s mouth dropped open. ‘I can’t believe

  I’m hearing this… you’re thinking of GOING BACK

  TO HYSTERIA??? The creepiest, grimmest, scariest

  place I have ever been to in all my life, and you’re going

  to go there in the DARK?’

  ‘The Hysterics won’t see me coming in the dark,’

  Hiccup pointed out.

  ‘You shot Norbert the Nutjob in the bottom

  with an ARROW!’ howled Fishlegs. ‘You think you can

/>   just ask him politely to give you his precious American

  vegetable and he’s just going to HAND IT OVER??’

  ‘Burglary may be involved,’ admitted Hiccup.

  ‘And all because of Old Wrinkly’s

  SOOTHSAYING? Everybody knows that Old Wrinkly

  is nearly as hopeless at soothsaying as you are at

  Frightening Foreigners.’

  ‘Thank you,’ murmured Old Wrinkly.

  Fishlegs hadn’t finished yet. ‘I keep on telling

  you… I have just got a BAD COLD… A… a… a…

  tish-yoo! Actually, I’m not feeling that well… would you

  mind if I lay down for a moment?’

  ‘Be my guest,’ said Old Wrinkly. ‘You can have

  my bed… and I’ll make you some hot lemon and honey.

  98

  Don’t forget, Hiccup, you have until ten in the morning

  tomorrow, before Fishlegs dies… TEN in the morning,

  mind…’

  So Hiccup left Old Wrinkly looking after his

  great friend Fishlegs, and ran out of the door. He had

  finally realised he might not have much time left…

  And although he didn’t know it at the time,

  those were the first steps he took towards the scariest,

  the most alarming and ghastly adventure of his life so

  far. He was indeed setting out on a quest… a quest that

  would be a race against time and lead him to a terrifying

  monster and icy peril, which would be sung about by

  bards ever after as the Quest for the Frozen Potato.

  7. THE QUEST FOR THE

  FROZEN POTATO

  Hiccup marched out of Old Wrinkly’s house back to the

  Celebrations in the Harbour, followed by a grumbling

  Toothless. For about six hundred metres he was

  absolutely certain about what he was going to do.

  He would go and explain to his father what had

  happened, and ask him to set up a quest for the Frozen

  Potato. The Hooligans were always going on quests.

  But when he eventually found his father, who was

  trying his luck in the Frozen Lucky Dip, he suddenly

  didn’t feel quite so sure of himself.

  Stoick wasn’t as pleased to see his only son as

  he normally was. He had just lost a big bet because

  the Bog-Burglar Young Heroes had WHIPPED the

  Hooligan Young Heroes in the Smashsticks-on-Ice

  Competition, fourteen goals to nil. So Stoick was not in

  the best of moods.

  ‘Bother that Old Wrinkly and his stupid

  soothsaying. An EASY WIN for the Hooligans, he said.

  Put all your money on it, he said. And what happens?

  The Bog-Burglars win fourteen – NIL. I

  should have known it,’ Stoick muttered to

  100

  himself, as he drew a large frozen object from the lucky

  dip and tried to work out what it was. Fish? A useful

  axe? A small chair?

  ‘Father,’ said Hiccup determinedly, ‘I want to set

  out on a quest.’

  Stoick looked at his son with surprise. ‘What sort

  of quest?’

  ‘You remember my friend Fishlegs?’ said Hiccup.

  Stoick rubbed his nose crossly and grunted.

  ‘Old Wrinkly says the reason he attacked you

  was because he has been stung by the Venomous

  Vorpent and he is in the first stage of Vorpentitis, and

  that causes episodes of madness, you know… and the

  thing is, Father, unless we can find the antidote in time

  Old Wrinkly says Fishlegs may DIE…’

  Stoick looked as if he wasn’t sure whether to

  be sad or happy… but then he saw his son’s face and

  hurriedly looked sad.

  ‘Um… yes… oh dear…’ said Stoick.

  ‘So I want to set out on a quest for the antidote,’

  announced Hiccup.

  ‘What is the antidote?’ asked Stoick the Vast.

  ‘Old Wrinkly says the antidote is the potato,’ said

  Hiccup.

  ‘SSSSSShhhh!’ said Stoick. ‘You’re not supposed

  101

  to name it! And the Vegetable-that-No-one-Dares-

  Name is an imaginary vegetable – surely you know that,

  Hiccup?’

  ‘Old Wrinkly says that the Hysterics went to

  America and brought back a frozen potato,’ continued

  Hiccup stubbornly. ‘So I want to FIND the potato and

  save Fishlegs’s life.’

  ‘I FORBID YOU TO DO ANY SUCH

  THING!’ roared Stoick.

  ‘If we don’t believe in the potato Fishlegs may

  DIE!’ Hiccup yelled right back at his father.

  Stoick the Vast lost his temper and waved the

  Unidentified Frozen Object (U.F.O.) around his head.

  He roared at his son so loudly poor Hiccup’s

  ears rang.

  ‘YOUR FRIEND FISHLEGS IS A LITTLE

  WEIRDO WHO JUST CALLED ME A JELLY-

  BELLIED LARDY-BOTTOMED GREEDIGUTS!’

  Hiccup flinched as if he had been struck, and

  then Stoick felt ashamed, and controlled himself. He

  reached out and patted his son on the shoulder, and he

  tried to speak more reasonably.

  ‘Look, son, I know this is difficult for you,

  because you are fond of your friend, but let’s just say

  that for once in a blue moon Old Wrinkly is right. Even

  102

  then, as the Chief I WILL NOT risk the life of my only

  son for the sake of a little weirdo that Fate has got it in

  for.’

  ‘Isn’t it the Chief’s job to do that?’ said Hiccup

  steadily. ‘Fishlegs has no one else to look after him.’

  ‘You WILL NOT do it,’ said Stoick, very

  meaningfully indeed. ‘Because I FORBID it, and that

  is an order, son. An order from your CHIEF.’ Stoick

  put the U.F.O. on his head (he had decided it was a

  HELMET) and stalked off.

  The unfortunate thing about going on a quest to

  save the life of your sick best friend is that you have no

  best friend to go with you. Hiccup watched his father

  stalking off with what looked very like a frozen chair on

  his head, and wondered miserably what his chances were

  if he went on the quest for the Frozen Potato alone.

  Not im-POSSIBLE, he thought sadly, but, let’s

  face it, im-PROBABLE.

  Camicazi stuck her head out from underneath

  the Lucky Dip table.

  ‘Did I hear someone mention the word quest?

  When do we get started?’

  ‘Oh, Camicazi... You really shouldn’t listen in on

  other peoples’ conversations,’ said Hiccup.

  Camicazi wriggled out from underneath the table

  103

  and started doing handstands. She still had her ice-

  skates on.

  ‘Us Bog-Burglars always listen in on other

  peoples’ conversations,’ she said cheerfully. ‘It’s one

  of the reasons I’m going to be so helpful to you on the

  quest for the Frozen Potato.’

  ‘YOU are not going on the quest for the Frozen

  Potato,’ said Hiccup. ‘It’s far too dangerous.’

  ‘Dangerous? PAH!’ boasted Camicazi. ‘Why,

  I’ve burgled whole flocks of SHEEP off the

  Visithugs… I’ve picked the pockets of the Perilous

  Pirates… I’ve stolen the helmet right off the head of

  Madguts the Murderous,
and you want me to steal one

  measly little vegetable?? No problemo, Hiccup, watch

  and learn, my boy, watch and learn.’

  Hiccup raised his eyes to the heavens. If

  Camicazi had a fault, it was that she was very, very

  pleased with herself. But it had to be admitted, she was

  an excellent burglar.

  ‘There’s this Madman with an Axe…’ Hiccup

  pointed out.

  ‘Better and better,’ said Camicazi. ‘There’s

  nothing I enjoy more than teasing Madmen with Axes.

  It’s my favourite sport. If you don’t let me join in I’ll tell

  your big fat cross father where you’re going.’

  105

  ‘But that’s blackmail!’ protested Hiccup.

  ‘You see,’ grinned Camicazi, ‘we Bog-Burglars

  have no morals at all. It’s very useful to us.’

  Hiccup gave up, and said she could come if she

  wanted to.

  Camicazi rushed off to get her burglary

  equipment, and Hiccup prepared a small sleigh to take

  them to Hysteria.

  He also pulled down his boat, The Hopeful Puffin,

  to drag on runners behind the sleigh.

  ‘What are you doing?’ asked Camicazi, returning

  with her arms laden with ropes and oddly-shaped pointy

  metal objects.

  ‘It’s getting so near to springtime, the ice may

  start cracking when we’re out there. And if it does we’re

  going to need some way of getting back across the

  Sullen Sea,’ replied Hiccup, trying not to think about

  what would happen if the ice REALLY DID melt. That

  might mean they had to face the Doomfang, on top of

  all their other problems.

  Hiccup went off to look for One Eye, and

  explained his problem, and the big Driver laughed

  sneerily.

  ‘Look, revolting little Human boy, I don’t

  know why you think I might want to help you. I am

  106

  not your mummy. I HATE humans. One thing I will

  absolutely SWEAR to you. I will NEVER, repeat

  NEVER, waste a tear crying over the death of one of

  you Human No-Brainers.’

  ‘Ah,’ said Hiccup cunningly, ‘but the

  antidote isn’t just going to save the life of